Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Randomize
