Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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