You just made me feel so damn special
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
two words...techno handjob
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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