I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
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I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
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these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
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