So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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