If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
