New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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