got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Your cock deserves a montage
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
