Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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