Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
