you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
you inspire me to be a worse person
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
