I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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