Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
