I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
