You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
