I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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