Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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