FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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