you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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