end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
not ubering you a puppy
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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