Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
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