I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Randomize
