Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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