he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
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You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
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There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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