I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
