I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
