the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
