Me. At least after what I've been through.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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