He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
