He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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