Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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