I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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