Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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