oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
