just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
