I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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