He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
