Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
