We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
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