Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
