And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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