My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
