R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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