Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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