you have to choose: penises or morals?
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
