The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
