i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
