Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
