just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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