Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
