I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
