It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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