Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
