i would punch a child for taco bell
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
