i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
