you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
