I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
