why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
