The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
The beer is more important than you right now.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
