Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
