Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
